Fame, power, scotch, money, women, good life, being numero uno.
Once upon a time these things used to matter - not now, not any more - at least not to the extent it used to during my youth.
I have aged - although not physically - I still look youngish - if you know what I mean. The aging has come from within - but mind you, the aging I am alluding to does not carry any negative connotation. In my younger days I was an aggressive but directionless youth - now I am no longer young, I have mellowed with age and a little less directionless - although rudderless all the same - I still have no idea who I am or what I want in life. Sigh ...
I had wanted fame - but when I got it (limited though it was), I couldn't handle it. I had no idea how to react to adulation - the pressure was just too much. I had wanted a woman, but I couldn't handle the women - I had no idea what I was looking for - maybe sex or something. But why was it that I alwys fell in love - why could I never control the intense passion and the extreme heartbreaks after that? I was confused and still am, why I couldn't stick around with any of them - when the first one left, fine, these things do happen - when the second one left - hmm ..acceptable - but three in a row - thats when I realized I wasn't cut out for this - emotions are something which I have no idea how to handle.
I hardly ever laugh - although I smile at times - people take offence and think I am a snob or someting (which especially gets compounded by my silence which people say borders on reticence) - what they don't realize is that I cannot laugh (or chit chat) - I just cannot laugh. My dad hardly ever laughs - my grandfather never laughed - and his ancestors were serious Brahmins - laughing was unthinkable - and this is how I was brought up and this is what I am from inside. It isn't that I am emotionless - its just that I do not know how to express them in a way others comprehend them - thats where, I believe the misunderstandings happen - partings happen and I end up writing love poems and reading spiritual books.
But scotch and emotions are not to be mixed - I believe, Scotch is perhaps God's finest creation - the supreme feeling of contenment after a dash of single malt is an unique experience which I am sure many of you would agree cannot be described in words - and so I shall not undertake such an arduous venture. And that is why all my memories of Black Label or Glen Livet have been those of pleasure, peace and serenity - they constitute some of the finest moments in my life - fame or no fame, woman or no woman, money or no money.
Where money was once one of the most important things in life - now it is nothing more than a means - a means towards a meaningful life and not an end in itself. For the past 8 years I have been searching for meaning - I know a lot more about myself than I did 8 years ago - at least I know what I don't want - things like crowded places, noise, meaningless banter, unnecessary emotional complications - these are things I am sure I don't need - but if you ask me what I want - honestly, I have no clue.
Life goes on - and I am almost at the 40% mark - still unaware where I am heading, unsure what I want to do - living in a small apartment by myself in a secluded locality in a small city and working in a small organization where I keep to myself and keep myself under a tight rein. Strict control.
But the search for meaning goes on - and so does life.